well... hello there. seems that spilling my heart out right here has been a little too difficult for me to do these days. or maybe putting my emotions down into words now has become the hardest part.

anyway, life has been one heck of a terrible ride lately. i got sick. i lost a bunch of weight. i got cheated. my insecurities are at its peak. i’m struggling with managing my time and my life in general. i’ve been making horrible life decisions. and the list goes on.

awful.

that’s how it is for me, but i’ve still been trying to cope up. i’ve been toughing up to survive. i am trying my best to protect my peace. after everything that happened in my life the past months, it became so easy for me to forget my worth these days, but i’ve been working really hard to remind myself that i am worthy. i am worthy of love. i am worthy of effort. i am worthy of appreciation. i am worthy of anything and everything.

sometimes, when i am already a little too desperate, i just can’t help but want my old life back where i used to be peaceful and happy. but oh no, it shouldn’t be. it shouldn’t be like that. i should be good with the life that i currently have. i should be grateful for the new people i’ve met and still yet to meet along the way. i should be thankful for the new experiences, including those quite awful ones. i wouldn’t grow if i stayed in that “old life” of mine. so i should embrace this uncomfortable phase. i should learn to live with those crying-myself-to-sleep moments at night. i should live with these confusions. i should live with some of the unpleasant parts of life. i should live with them, but not always, not forever. i must learn and i shall get through them. then i can enjoy the sunny days. after all, nothing stays the same forever. we’re learning. we’re growing.

and also... i shouldn’t be too hard on myself. i am human and it’s okay to feel.

i did. i wrote down my frustrations, my anger, my fears. i finally put them down on paper. i might have not put them all out, but i wrote down most of them. i wrote a number of letters to God. i cried my heart out on the once empty pages and filled them in. it somehow saved me. it gave me an opportunity to physically see those thoughts that has been consuming my entire being. i quite pondered upon them. i allowed myself to feel. i let go of the judgment. i realize i have to stop repressing my emotions just because they ain't positive and don't seem right. i am human after all and it's okay to feel. i always have to remind myself, it's okay to feel.

i haven't done this one. i mean, journaling was already some sort of brain dumping, but i still have a lot of to-do's, to-buy's and to check-out's hanging at the back of my mind. my head still ain't clear. maybe after i publish this entry, i have to grab a piece of paper and put them on a list. i just have to. my mind ain't a tray that can collect and collect and collect. or it could be, but i have to empty it out somehow to have some room for some new stuff.

i did this only for a week. i quite have some time for myself. i enjoyed some quiet nights where i don't have to get bombarded by the junks on social media. it felt good. i have always been the kind with some love/hate relationship with my social media accounts that my friends are not anymore surprised if i disappear and they already know where to reach me. i've been back in this crazy and chaotic hole of social media again and i actually found myself more active now than i was few months ago, but don't worry, i think i can't hesitate to leave once things get a little too poisonous for me again. after all, there's nothing to miss out. things will still be there later, and if i can never see the things i haven't seen, then maybe i am not supposed to see them anyway. and if you, yes you, have been pondering whether to take a little break from social media or not, then you may take this as a sign. here's me reminding you to  not be afraid to take a break. it's good. i promise you, it's good.

this became much easier when i stopped going through social medica for awhile, so yep, tried to simultaneously do this along with number #3 above. it actually makes a big difference when i don't start my day with my phone in my hand. i don't eventually get reactive, i get to have more done in the morning, and i tend to be a little more productive throughout the day. also, i can get more sleep 'cos i don't have to stay up so late at night with my phone in my hand while the lights are already off and everyone has fallen asleep already. i'm trying to make this a habit already, but i must admit, it's difficult because i easily get tempted to just lie down with my phone after a long day until i fall asleep, but i'm working on it. i really am trying to work on it.

alright, i finally finished a book this year so far. it's good vibes, good life by vex king. it's a light and easy read and i love the insights. i actually made the committment to finally finish it when i was having some hard time dealing with my emotions and was enduring a bruised heart. can't deny that i'm having some difficult times these days when it comes to managing my emotions which, in return, has taken a toll on my productivity. i am still in this internal battle, but i am trying to work on this. slowly. one step at a time. anyway, the next book i'm trying to finish right now is the atomic habits by james clear.

yey! i was actually happy when we climb the hill nearby with my sister, my cousins, and my mom. it felt good to have been able to sweat so much and exposed my morena skin under the sun. perharps i gotta do this one a little bit more. once a month will do for now, maybe.

okay, i think i can consider this as something i haven't done. i was planning to finish a video which is basically just a compilation of short and random clips i took during the first quarter of the year. i have started it already but i stopped working on it while not even halfway through. hmm... maybe i'll try to finish it by the end of this month. let's see!

hmm. i never have done this and i don't think i will anytime soon. i included this one in the list because it feels like it's something i really need to learn because that's what people say, "girls should know how to cook." and that it's pretty much what everyone else is doing and trying to learn while on lockdown, but i suppose i gotta put it off for now. cooking is not something i personally enjoy. it feels so much of a chore for me. i am not a fan, but nope don't get me wrong. i am still very open to learning it, of course, who wouldn't be, but maybe i just wouldn't do it too soon -- not when i just thought of doing it just because everyone else has been doing it. a random fun fact, though: i won a cooking contest during a nutrition month celebration when i was in fourth grade (those who grew up in a public school could probably relate). i cooked my favorite dishes, pinakbet and ampalaya with egg! my mom is a good cook and she was my coach at that time. i did it for the grades. lol.

oh gosh... it feels so good to just dance my nerves away when no one's watching and with no judgment at all. lol. i am pretty much doing this every now and then, whenever i want to, and every time i feel like i need to cheer myself up. you must try it out! don't judge yourself =)

huh, nope, i haven't done this yet. it's a little too difficult to start. i basically just don't know how and where to begin. but i know, i shall do this the soonest possible. i am quite losing who i actually am. if i won't do this, i might find myself easily gets swayed by the beliefs and opinions of other people, and that, my friend, is quite alarming. may i know how often you do this one? how do you do it?

1. i’m going to journal. freely. i’ll let my heart out. i’m frustrated, mad, sad, worried, insecure, lost. i’ll let these all out before they consume my entire being.
2. i’m gonna brain dump. write down every to-do list that i can think of, groceries list and all other things that i should buy after this whole lockdown. i’m gonna list down sub-tasks for my bedroom makeover project. i gotta create tons of lists, they may be necessary or not. i just need to put them down onto paper to free my head. i need to free myself.
3. i’ll disconnect and go on with my days without checking instagram, twitter, and facebook. i’ll temporarily cut everyone off. yes, emphasis on "temporarily." i’m basically tired of everyone else’s shizz. i need some time off. just a week and i’ll be back. i just need to save myself.
4. i’ll go a week without checking my phone first off in the morning and will also stop bringing it to bed. i’ll stop checking my phone. i’ll stop waiting for a text. it hurts my eyes. it’s unhealthy. i don’t want it to continue screwing me off (or maybe just for a little while at least).
5. i’m gonna finish a book. i’ve never finished even one book so far this year and it’s already the end of the first quarter. maybe it’s now time to do so. just one. only one.
6. i’ll go out and spend some time under the sun. maybe climb a hill nearby. take photos. leave my phone. reconnect with nature. it’s much needed.
7. i’ll create something. that may be a blog post, a video blog or whatever, i just have to create something.
8. i’ll cook at least one dish. i’m twenty-four and i still don’t know how to cook. maybe it's now high time to learn.
9. i’ll dance. even if i don’t know how to. even if i look crazy. i’ll dance. i need to move my body. i need to enjoy some quick moments with myself and be crazy. freely. with no judgment. at all.
10. i will take time for myself. reconnect. recenter my values. it’s been a while and i feel like i don’t know myself anymore. i need to befriend her once again and make her feel loved and appreciated. i need to be secured even if i'm just by myself. i can’t depend my security on someone or something else, because that, my friends, is not security. never it will be. things and people are temporary. we’ll never exactly know when is their time to leave. now, i gotta learn how to do all these without building my walls too high -- without distancing myself too much. i’m not yet sure how, but i will. i need to.