it's monday and i skipped work because i’m feeling unwell. well... mostly emotionally. i mean, i feel sluggish and lazy. i don’t want to do anything. it feels like i am not doing enough in life. i am not achieving anything anymore.
yesterday, i spent almost the whole day in bed -- sleeping, watching netflix and pretty much just doing nothing.
i was supposed to have another 3pm meeting at that time but i wished that it’ll be cancelled and it was granted. maybe i shall thank the heavy rains that afternoon but the lightning and loud thunder were terrifying. and so i spent my afternoon sleeping.
and oh, how i hate stalking people on social media but idk why i still do it every now and then, only to put myself in a miserable spot where my insecurities are at its peak. and then, i end up seeing everything that is not right in me. awful. i shall stop. help!
this is mainly the reason why i got rid of social media apps on my phone, but i still check them sometimes when i open my laptop. especially on weekends. because of this, i want to leave social media for good like really disappear and never come back, but i can’t tell why i keep on putting it off. what’s wrong? what do i fear of? missing out? well... maybe?
i actually am uncomfortable sharing a photo of myself whenever i'm feeling miserable (just like today), but i shouldn't let the dark thoughts win this time. and oh, i think i must include this quote from Pope Francis that i saw just now as soon as i opened facebook on my laptop:
you can have flaws, be anxious, and even be angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. only you can stop it from going bust. many appreciate you, admire you and love you.
you can find the entire post here. it's worth the read, i guarantee!
anyway, today, i continued watching chesapeake shores (i started it yesterday as recommended by my cousin). i’m on the 5th episode now and i like it. i like shows like this one. i like the story. it revolves mostly around a family, and as soft as i am when it comes to people dearest to me, i’ve cried quite a few times already.
then, i had the time to cleanup my asana. i wrote down the lists on a yellow paper and deleted them from there. maybe i would like to start a clean slate. also, i deleted my old goodreads account that i never updated in ages and created a new one. i’m planning to get back in the reading grind. it’s something i have dropped off for years. i pick up a book at times, but i rarely finish one. i was never consistent at it. this time, i have set a goal to read at least seven books this year. what’s with seven, you may ask? uhm, nothing. it’s just my favorite number.
i am currently re-reading the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, by the way. i don’t mind reading it over and over again. it’s definitely one of my favorite books.
i am supposed to write on my journal right now, but i’m putting it off until i get dinner. i’m already hungry. my stomach is growling. and i’m waiting for a family member to knock at my door and tell me that dinner’s ready. yes, at twenty-five, i still don’t prepare my own meals. i’m still pretty dependent with what’s being served on the family’s dining table every time. i was never pressured to learn how to cook. this is why i also never bothered to try. but i want to learn already. maybe i shall try it this year.
okay, someone’s knocking already. it’s dinner time, i assume. so see ya on the next entry. ciao!
oh, how i love mornings like this. where the surroundings is quiet and i can only hear either the birds chirping or the roosters cocking-a-doodle-doo. most of the time, they sound in unison and that's music to my ears.
this morning, i am reminded of how awesome it is to get up early. i usually wake up early, like around four or five am, but lately, i've been having trouble with the "getting up" part. it's been so tempting to stay in bed a little longer until i have to rush for work, and that morning rush, my friends, is the least enjoyable part of the day.
slow morning... it's something i want to enjoy more often. i want to be able to do stuff for myself before i would work for somebody else. i want to enjoy my breakfast and savor every bite of it. i want to have more time in the shower to contemplate more about life. i want my mornings to be of high vibration and something i always look forward to.
i always find myself more grounded and at peace when i get to have some extra hours in the morning, and i am reminded of how crucial it is to establish a morning routine, might as well a good night one, and i'm trying to develop mine little by little, one step a time. just focusing on one habit as a start, then gradually add one up as the time goes by. and i have to remind myself to not strictly impose everything, that it's okay if i miss at least one habit in a day. after all, each day is a little different from the other, and we always don't have the same amount of energy each and everyday.
and that leads me to the second reminder that i want to remind myself -- that it's okay to not be perfect because we will never be. i have to tame this perfectionist side of me and shoo away those unnecessary pressure on myself. we are constantly a work in progress. "C O N S T A N T L Y." as long as we are living, there will always be something that we can get better at. we can never reach our perfect selves in this lifetime, but day by day, we can definitely work to be the best version of ourselves. instead of aiming to be perfect, each day, i just have to aim to be better than my yesterday self. if we focus on getting better instead of being perfect, that's when we can get the fulfillment at the end of the day. getting better today than yesterday -- that's something that could give us the sense of accomplishment. we will always have that little room for improvement until we die, and we have to acknowledge that and do something to fill that room, little by little every single day.
lastly, i have to remind myself that it is DEFINITELY okay to not check my social media. in fact, it's highly encouraged. it's okay to miss out. it's okay to not be updated. if i don't check my social media, i am actually not missing out on anything. i can't deny how much social media is affecting my mental health at times. thus, i resorted to constantly delete the social media apps on my phone, particularly facebook, instagram, and twitter, and it never fails to make me realize how i am at peace more than ever when i don't have them. lately, i only reinstall those apps on weekends, and then i delete them on sundays, and it's been a great practice. it's helping me so much to maintain a clearer mind. maybe sooner, i'll only have them once a month, then once a year, and none at all. but at this day and age, i am not really sure with the "none at all." haha! so here's to the journey on developing a healthy relationship with social media. join me if you wish. let's do this!
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on another note, the blog is still on hiatus until i figure out how i exactly want this space to be, but i'd just like to throw a quick update to let you know that this blog is still alive.
how are you?
hey, there! here's a collection of photos and clips i got during our most recent buruanga trip, but before that i'd like to put out some quick (which ended up to be a bit lengthy) side note that has nothing to do with these photos that i'm about to share.
hmmm... i'm in this stage in my life again that i'm quite hesitating to share stuff on my social media accounts, but if you know me, i'm such a memory hoarder. i love documenting stuff. i love collecting photos and videos of both the special and simple moments, and i like to put them out in some place that i could always go back to whenever, wherever. social media is pretty much the easiest medium that i could put them into, but gosh, i really got this love/hate relationship towards them that i can't stay on them for too long or else i'm gonna lose my sanity.
facebook, oh facebook. i don't share too much in this platform 'cos it's just too crowded for me. although i don't have lots of facebook friends, i still feel like there are tons of eyes in there, so i always drop this every time.
late in 2019, i deleted my instagram account because it felt like it was serving me no good any longer. i had a good number of followers in that old account back then -- from my family to my friends and acquaintances in school, and even up to some strangers that i never met, but then one, day it just felt like i am no longer comfortable posting stuff that many people could see, also the newsfeed felt overwhelming. and my best way out at that time is to permanently delete that account, and so i did. not too long after, i created a new one to serve as some creative outlet for me, and it was actually initially created to serve as some little extension of this blog. i used to have it in public, but recently, i decided to put it in private because i grew a little uncomfortable with the public feature again. idk, i'm just uncomfortable with people knowing my whatabouts and whatnot, although i'm pretty sure no one cares, anyway.
twitter... the same thing happened. i deleted my old account and recreated a new one. i have been keeping the new account as intimate as it could since then, and i always make sure to delete followers that i don't know. it's the place where i share my random thoughts that i usually don't say aloud, so i'd like to feel safe in there as much as possible.
okay, okay, i don't think i'm putting my point across at this time yet and i have already blabbed to much, so to cut the story short, i'm in torn. i always want to post photos and videos in social media to serve as my gallery of memories but then, i'm again at this point where i don't like to post too much on those platforms. i don't like to show people (especially those i know in real life) what i'm currently up to. that's why, i'm back here again... trying to revive this blog for the nth time already. this is my safest place, my humble abode here on the internet, because if i post something in here, nobody could see it right away unless they will intentionally visit this site. if you know me personally, i really am not the kind who would tell stuff about me that the other person aren't curious about. if you don't ask, i won't tell. that's it. this blog is for myself and i post here for me, but if you're curious, you're always welcome to pay a visit. =)
by this time, allow the following photos to tell a quick story of this trip.
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| we quickly stopped at the longest bridge of aklan and took some few pictures before the rain started pouring hard. |
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| and this is another quick stopover in jawili falls, aklan. |
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| we were like playing inside with the vehicles as we tried to take photos on this landmark. |
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| and after some three to four hours of travel (including the quick stopovers and our breakfast), we're almost here. this is the way to the resort's entrance. |
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| and finally we're here! |
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| we needed to go uphill to get to the entrance of the resort and then downhill to get to the main area. it was breakthtaking, yes! lol. |
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| what a beautiful view right here. |
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| and of course, i always need to take some mandatory shoe-fie every time i get to visit a new place. *wink wink |
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| and the resort people welcomed us with some delicious lemonade. |
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| we're now ready to dip ourselves in the salty water. |
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| then, i watched them ride the kayak. |
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| we then went up and enjoyed the cold water in the pool. |
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| the dishes we had for lunch were really appetizing! |
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| this is my most favorite group photo during the trip (insert jude who took this photo haha). |
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| okay, i'm awkward like that. well, thanks to bam and her boyfriend for this photo and most of the photos. |
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| and we chilled by the beach. they drank beer while i enjoyed the view ('cos i don't drink, nope). |
here's some video compilation of this trip ♡
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oh, it's been awhile since the last time i did a sunday currently entry of some sort. i am not sure, though, if a sunday currently type of entry is even currently visible in this blog 'cos i still have most of the entries here in private. the past entries are from tumblr, so they need some few fixes still (i am manually transferring them from there to here), then i can put them in public soon. no one cares anyway, but i just have to mention that.
so currently, i am....
READING
i am reading my old blog entries when i was still in tumblr, and some of the stuff... i can't believe i have written them. as i was reading through, i can feel how comfortable i was to share to no-one-in-particular what i actually felt back then. it seemed to be so freeing. i remember how tumblr saved me back in those days. i've learned so much from that platform. i discovered a lot in myself. i gained friends, and that's where i got most of the motivation and inspiration to create, to write, and to share my two cents.
on another note, i am trying to finish the atomic habits by this month. i don't read it everyday, but when i do, i read it actively. by that, i mean, i have my pen and notebook in hand to write down notes. it's a great read, so far. i only have the pdf copy of it since i don't want to splurge on a physical book right now (i'm trying to minimize my spendings as well as the things i own), that's why i'm writing down notes on a separate notebook.
WRITING
admittedly, i have been in a writer's block for sooooooo long now. i haven't recovered since. i'm trying to write stuff every now and then, but i don't find them to be one of my ~writings~. most of the time, i'm only writing to get things off my chest. and actually, writing down this blog post is just another shot at it.
LISTENING
at this very moment, i am listening to the karaoke sesh of the guys from the neighborhood, but pretty recently, i have been replaying taylor swift's song, "ours," over and over again. "so don't you worry your pretty little mind, people throw rocks at things that shine." i have this last song syndrome over that song for weeks now, particularly that very line. lol. also, my heart is in a good place right now, so i might as well share this playlist i've created in spotify to spread some happy hearts in the atmosphere hehe =)
THINKING
i have been thinking of a lot of things lately. so much has been happening. i wonder where this current situation could take us. how long would this pandemic last? what's in store for us in the future? this world is gradually changing. we are now in a "new normal." also, i am not in my fullest potential right now. what am i gonna do? where will life take me? how far will my recent decisions would go? aaahhh, there's a lot inside my head right now. too many questions with answers that i am yet to find. i need to remind myself to stop overthinking, talk to God, trust and have faith in Him. i need to talk to God.
HOPING
i am hoping for strength and courage -- strength to go on and courage to fight. 2020 has been a difficult year for all of us by far. we're only in the first half of the year, and it's been too much already. i hope the coming days will be better. i hope we will all be more understanding and cooperative. i hope the good will overweigh the bad. i hope. i really do hope so.
NEEDING
i need to talk to God and i badly need to pick myself up once more. quite frankly, my weekends have been so lazy these days. i've been living inside my head while my actual life is quite in a mess. i haven't even had a money date in a while now, and money date, for me, is basically just a time i spend with myself to tackle my finances. i actually talked about how i do it in this entry. so right now, after i publish this one, i need to do my weekly reset (i might talk more about this in one of the blog posts that are yet to come) and write in my journal. these are my first two steps in picking myself up.
FEELING
can't deny that i am currently feeling ~meh~ as of the moment, and i actually just gave myself a little more push to start this blog post in hopes to find some drive to do a few things that i've been needing to do over the weekend. also, at the same time, i am feeling grateful and blessed for having a mom who cooks so well. she cooked batchoy for us earlier today and aaaahhhh, i’m not being biased, but it's one of the bests! it's been years since the last time she cooked batchoy (she used to sell them back in the days when she had a little carinderia for a living) and i actually didn't expect that it would taste so good! okay, i think, i can now stop getting/eating batchoy outside. yes, i'm serious.
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this sunday currently entry is actually a life-saver whenever i want to post yet don't have any draft ready to publish. lol. who else can relate?
so uhm, how are you? how did your sunday go? have you had a long weekend? what are your plans for this coming week? what are you currently feeling on this sunday night?
i hope you're having some decent rest over there, wherever you are.
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sincerely,
riz
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P.S.
the sunday currently is originally a blog link-up by Lauren of siddathornton (only i removed a few bullets hehe)
i'm typing this down from scratch for the second time around. the first time i did, i lost everything after accidentally clicking a wrong button. i really do hope we can retrieve draft history here in blogger. who else shares this same hope? after all, we are humans who make mistakes (lots of it) and being quite careless sometimes to end up clicking a wrong button is one of those. lol. i should have used google doc to type down a draft, but i didn't and right now i'm doing it. i can't get a little frustrated again for losing a draft that is already almost done. let's just hope i can word things out a little better this time around.
anyway, i'd just like to pick things up from where i left off two months ago. if you were here, i made a list of things to do to calm my nerves amid this chaotic world that we are currently in, and i thought, maybe i'd better make an update on how i'm doing with it -- which of them i have achieved and to which i quite fell off. let's see!
#1 i’m going to journal. freely. i’ll let my heart out. i’m frustrated, mad, sad, worried, insecure, lost. i’ll let these all out before they consume my entire being.
i did. i wrote down my frustrations, my anger, my fears. i finally put them down on paper. i might have not put them all out, but i wrote down most of them. i wrote a number of letters to God. i cried my heart out on the once empty pages and filled them in. it somehow saved me. it gave me an opportunity to physically see those thoughts that has been consuming my entire being. i quite pondered upon them. i allowed myself to feel. i let go of the judgment. i realize i have to stop repressing my emotions just because they ain't positive and don't seem right. i am human after all and it's okay to feel. i always have to remind myself, it's okay to feel.
#2 i’m gonna brain dump. write down every to-do list that i can think of, groceries list and all other things that i should buy after this whole lockdown. i’m gonna list down sub-tasks for my bedroom makeover project. i gotta create tons of lists, they may be necessary or not. i just need to put them down onto paper to free my head. i need to free myself.
i haven't done this one. i mean, journaling was already some sort of brain dumping, but i still have a lot of to-do's, to-buy's and to check-out's hanging at the back of my mind. my head still ain't clear. maybe after i publish this entry, i have to grab a piece of paper and put them on a list. i just have to. my mind ain't a tray that can collect and collect and collect. or it could be, but i have to empty it out somehow to have some room for some new stuff.
#3 i’ll disconnect and go on with my days without checking instagram, twitter, and facebook. i’ll temporarily cut everyone off. yes, emphasis on "temporarily." i’m basically tired of everyone else’s shizz. i need some time off. just a week and i’ll be back. i just need to save myself.
i did this only for a week. i quite have some time for myself. i enjoyed some quiet nights where i don't have to get bombarded by the junks on social media. it felt good. i have always been the kind with some love/hate relationship with my social media accounts that my friends are not anymore surprised if i disappear and they already know where to reach me. i've been back in this crazy and chaotic hole of social media again and i actually found myself more active now than i was few months ago, but don't worry, i think i can't hesitate to leave once things get a little too poisonous for me again. after all, there's nothing to miss out. things will still be there later, and if i can never see the things i haven't seen, then maybe i am not supposed to see them anyway. and if you, yes you, have been pondering whether to take a little break from social media or not, then you may take this as a sign. here's me reminding you to not be afraid to take a break. it's good. i promise you, it's good.
#4 i’ll go a week without checking my phone first off in the morning and will also stop bringing it to bed. i’ll stop checking my phone. i’ll stop waiting for a text. it hurts my eyes. it’s unhealthy. i don’t want it to continue screwing me off (or maybe just for a little while at least).
this became much easier when i stopped going through social medica for awhile, so yep, tried to simultaneously do this along with number #3 above. it actually makes a big difference when i don't start my day with my phone in my hand. i don't eventually gets reactive, i get to get more done in the morning, and i tend to be a little more productive throughout the day. also, i can get more sleep 'cos i don't have to stay up so late at night with my phone in my hand while the lights are already off and everyone has fallen asleep already. i'm trying to make this a habit already, but i must admit, it's difficult because i easily get tempted to just lie down with my phone after a long day until i fall asleep, but i'm working on it. i really am trying to work on it.
#5 i’m gonna finish a book. i’ve never finished even one book so far this year and it’s already the end of the first quarter. maybe it’s now time to do so. just one. only one.
alright, i finally finished a book this year so far. it's good vibes, good life by vex king. it's a light and easy read and i love the insights. i actually made the committment to finally finish it when i was having some hard time dealing with my emotions and was enduring a bruised heart. can't deny that i'm having some difficult times these days when it comes to managing my emotions which, in return, has taken a toll on my productivity. i am still in this internal battle, but i am trying to work on this. slowly. one step at a time. anyway, the next book i'm trying to finish right now is the atomic habits by james clear.
#6 i’ll go out and spend some time under the sun. maybe climb a hill nearby. take photos. leave my phone. reconnect with nature. it’s much needed.
yey! i was actually happy when we climb the hill nearby with my sister, my cousins, and my mom. it felt good to have been able to sweat so much and exposed my morena skin under the sun. perharps i gotta do this one a little bit more. once a month will do for now, maybe.
#7 i’ll create something. that may be a blog post, a video blog or whatever, i just have to create something.
okay, i think i can consider this as something i haven't done. i was planning to finish a video which is basically just a compilation of short and random clips i took during the first quarter of the year. i have started it already but i stopped working on it while not even halfway through. hmm... maybe i'll try to finish it by the end of this month. let's see!
#8 i’ll cook at least one dish. i’m twenty-four and i still don’t know how to cook. maybe it's now high time to learn.
hmm. i never have done this and i don't think i will anytime soon. i included this one in the list because it feels like it's something i really need to learn because that's what people say, "girls should know how to cook." and that it's pretty much what everyone else is doing and trying to learn while on lockdown, but i suppose i gotta put it off for now. cooking is not something i personally enjoy. it feels so much of a chore for me. i am not a fan, but nope don't get me wrong. i am still very open to learning it, of course, who wouldn't be, but maybe i just wouldn't do it too soon -- not when i just thought of doing it just because everyone else has been doing it. a random fun fact, though: i won a cooking contest during a nutrition month celebration when i was in fourth grade (those who grew up in a public school could probably relate). i cooked my favorite dishes, pinakbet and ampalaya with egg! my mom is a good cook and she was my coach at that time. I did it for the grades. lol.
#9 i’ll dance. even if i don’t know how to. even if i look crazy. i’ll dance. i need to move my body. i need to enjoy some quick moments with myself and be crazy. freely. with no judgment. at all.
oh gosh... it feels so good to just dance my nerves away when no one's watching and with no judgment at all. lol. i am pretty much doing this every now and then, whenever i want to, and every time i feel like i need to cheer myself up. you must try it out! don't judge yourself =)
#10 i will take time for myself. reconnect. recenter my values. it’s been a while and i feel like i don’t know myself anymore. i need to befriend her once again and make her feel loved and appreciated. i need to be secure even if i'm just by myself. i can’t depend my security on someone or something else, because that, my friends, is not security. never it will be. things and people are temporary. we’ll never exactly know when is their time to leave. now, i gotta learn how to do all these without building my walls too high -- without distancing myself too much. i’m not yet sure how, but i will. i need to.
huh, nope, i haven't done this yet. it's a little too difficult to start. i basically just don't know how and where to begin. but i know, i shall do this the soonest possible. i am quite losing who i actually am. if i won't do this, i might find myself easily gets swayed by the beliefs and opinions of other people, and that, my friend, is quite alarming. may i know how often you do this one? how do you do it?
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and yeah, i'm happy that i am able to check back on this list. how about you, how are you? like really how are you? how have you been doing these days? how are you coping up? i hope you don't forget to take care of yourself and make yourself a priority.
also, i just have to mention that i am pleased and blissful of the current look of my blog. okay. this is the last time i'm changing my blog's look this year (i hope lol).
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