and here i am again, writing a lengthy blog post just out of impulse. well, what’s new? lol. i didn’t even notice it’s almost 1am already. yep, my calendar is still in november. hehe. alright, i gotta catch some z’s now =)

one of my best friends went home last saturday, 8th of september, so we decided to meet up and watch a movie. yep, we watched the hows of us. i was waiting for them to kiss on that scene that’s why i took a snap but nothing happened. hahaha.

idk but i didn’t find the movie as nakakaiyak as what i expected it to be (based on the feedbacks that I’ve been seeing around the web), prolly because i couldn’t relate that much yet, or idk. the concepts and life lessons that were being portrayed are just more of warnings for me, like “ganito ang posibleng mangyari kapag ganito, kapag ganyan, etc.” don’t hate me, though, it’s just on me, and don’t get me wrong, i did tear up on that part where george read primo’s letter.as always, in every movie that i watch, i like to pick up my favorite line/s and here it is from thou, and it’s from my favorite scene too: “just ride the tide until the sun rises again because it always does.” And also this: “isang beses sa napakaraming beses na pwede akong sumuko pero hindi ko ginawa. pero isang beses lang pala ang kailangan mo para umalis at hindi na bumalik.”

it feels so good to not just get stuck at home on a saturday every once in a while. it’s the high time for me to stop scrolling through my phone and just put it down. i actually very rarely have a mobile data subscription ever since ‘cos i feel like i already have enough (sometimes too much) of the internet at home and i just want to get disconnected every time i am going somewhere and out of the house. it helps my mind to get cleared up somehow. the only time i did have some data subscription was when i was living a little away from home (when I was still in review school) ‘cos the place where i was staying then had no wifi. it makes a difference din kasi when you don’t have an easy access to the internet when you’re in review school, and i had to get connected with my family back home, so i’ve had a valid excuse. lol. (alright, so that was just a fun fact. hahaha.)

ah, i want more saturdays like this! =)

Only four months ‘til this year ends and I am so not satisfied with who I turned out to be this year, so far. I have been pretty much on a p-muls (uhuh, doing it backwards, Detective Peralta *winks) to say the least.

The pictures above, I took them when I was on holiday last Monday.

After it rained so hard in our place (with matching lightning and thunder), I went out and had a walk through my grandma’s beloved plants, and yeah, took some photos of them. I was not actually planning to spend my holiday at home, and it was quite my first time to not go to the office on a holiday (except during the Holy Friday last March) since I started working. Yep, I am as diligent as that. Lol kiddin’. It’s just that sometimes, I find it much better to go to work and get paid than to stay at home doing nothing all day. Anyway, I just miss the feeling of being at home. Alone. And I pretty much had that last Monday since my sibs had some school activities to attend to despite the holiday. So yeah, I quite had the time to reflect about my life, and it lowkey just got me a bit stressed out, ‘cos the things that have been going on in my life are quite the opposite of how I wanted them to be. But that’s fine. That’s just fine.

On another note, I was planning to be out this weekend to just unwind and loosen up, but then because of the not-so-good weather in my place, it got canceled. It got me a bit frustrated ‘cos I wanted it to happen so badly and I have been looking forward to it, but the weather screwed up the plan, and it’s something beyond my control or anyone else’s, so okay, I just had to shrug it off.

And to get rid of the unpleasant feeling that I have in my system today, I settled to deep clean my room, change the sheets, go through all my drawers and get rid of the things that are no longer serving me any good. And I found a lot of unused stationery items, which I actually already forgot that I have. Also, notebooks of different sizes, some with only the first few pages I have used, others I have left unwritten at all. (But nope, I am not throwing them away). I’ve also found lotsa loose papers with my random thoughts written on them, old photos of me and my friends, receipts, receipts, receipts. Sometimes, decluttering really brings me nostalgia because of the good ol’ stuff I get to find again, but yeah, I have freed some space now, and I feel lighter. And who else loves the feeling of lying down on newly-changed sheets? Because I do, I really do. It’s like a whole new life, another chance to start having things figured out. Lol.

Alright, I guess that’s all I could say for now. Not sure if I am even making any sense, but it always feels good to just not care and just type and type as the words come out.

And these just fed my hopeless romantic heart. Aaaahhh.

I was planning to watch The Day After Valentines yesterday (Saturday) as some kind of a treat to myself, but then I had to finish my household chores in the morning, and when I was about to go in the afternoon, it rained so hard. So yeah, I had to cancel and opted to just stay in for the rest of the day, watched some Youtube videos, listened to some of my fave jam while the rain is pouring down, and slept.

And this morning, right after church, I decided to get some Japanese siomai to satisfy my cravings, visited the bookstore (and ended up buying Sudoku and Word Search Puzzles instead of books lol), and headed to the cinema to watch The Day After Valentines with my cousin, Rica. I can say it was good. Some scenes have stabbed me right into my chest, but I was expecting for more, but again, it’s still good.

I can feel how awful it is to be liked, admired or whatever just because they think I am strong or that I am great, but once they see who I really am and realize that I am pretty messed up, they’ll take a few steps back and gradually leave. Yeah, I know it’s terrible, but perhaps that’s just how it goes. And here’s the thing, we often go out of our way and try to fix broken things, even though we, ourselves, are broken.

And daaang the OST has been replaying inside my head. Nonstop.



On a second note, it rained so hard again this afternoon, so I thought it was just perfect to snuggle in bed while watching To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. Hence, I did and I enjoyed it a lot. The novel, from which it was adapted, has been a favorite of my high school heart, and it’s no surprise that I also like the movie especially that it’s not too far from the book, or probably somehow? Idk, it’s been years since I’ve read the book and I cannot anymore remember everything. But one of the biggest reasons why I like the story is that I can relate to Lara Jean big time especially on being the invisible girl and on the writing love letters part. But nope, of course, I didn’t address the letters and I don’t even think they will ever get sent. Lol.

“The more people you let in, the more can just walk right out.” Maaaaaan, I felt that.

Anyway, my words are just too random tonight (or always), but to put it simply, it’s been a great day today, although I still am not at my best, one day, I’ll get there. :)

I am currently in an unfamiliar place, locked inside a room that I have just entered for the very first time. I’m not feeling a hundred percent well. I feel dizzy. The world feels shaky every time I stand up. This is a weird feeling. I’ve never felt this groggy my whole life before.

I think I need some rest. That’s why I’m here. This was unplanned. I never actually thought that I’d spend my Saturday this way.

It was just late last night when I kissed my mom goodnight (which I normally do), and she told me that she has to wake up early the next day ‘cos she’s going somewhere for some business meeting. Without having second thoughts I asked her if I can go too, and without thinking otherwise, she said yes. So that explains why I’m here.

This town is two hours away from our place. The road was fine but a little bit zigzag-y, and I was sitting at the back portion of the van. While traveling, I thought I was feeling fine, but after a 2-hr drive, right after we got off, I started to feel like I could not anymore carry my head. So I told my mom that I really need some rest, and that I could not endure another same ride home for today. I really couldn’t. Thus, we looked for a place to stay overnight, and this is where I am currently at. We’re supposed to go home by this afternoon but some things just would not go as planned, so yeah.

My mom has left for now to attend her business meeting and I’m alone atm. Glad there’s a wifi and a tv for some background noise.

I guess I need to get some sleep now. Hope I’ll feel better when I wake up.

+ people come and i treasure them. people go and i still treasure them. i won’t chase. i won’t run after them, but that does not mean i don’t care because i do. i always do.

+ perhaps being twenty-two is about getting lost, walking with no specific destination until i find myself coming back to the things i love -- to the things that really matter to me. i’ll get there one day. perhaps not now, but someday.

+ six months in my current work and i realized that a workplace would never be perfect. at first, i thought it is, but nope, it isn’t. and i still have this question in my head yet to be answered: what makes a person stay or go? is it the work or the people? maybe, just maybe, i’ll find the answer in me.

+ i missed taking photos of the sky. it has been awhile.

i. I have been too busy, have been in a great mess. I rarely got a decent sleep for the past few days, but I may say everything is all worth it.

ii. For a short while, I have been exposed to things I am not used to. Too many things happened in a week. I became happy; my heart got broken, but I don’t have any energy left to write about them here. I cannot even find the words to narrate them. Or maybe, I am just not in the mood to tell stories for now.

iii. There were days that I am trying to take a few steps out of my comfort zone, but then after a little while, I would catch myself coming back. It’s almost 5 months since this year started, but I am not going anywhere.

iv. When I look at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t see anything but my flaws, but still I’m grateful for the very few people who see me past my imperfections. Thank you for appreciating me for me.

v. I am almost losing hope. Almost. But I am still fighting. This world is still wonderful!

To tell you the truth, I have already lost my faith in people a long time ago, that the first time a person utters something convincing, I wouldn’t believe it, unless there’s anything that could justify it. I may appear like I am convinced, but deep down inside, most prolly I am not. And for the longest time, I have always kept myself away from people. I would rather lock myself inside my room than hear everyone talk, but then this time, I chose to go the other way. I opted to expose myself to whatever other people could say, whether that would be pleasant or awful.

The first few days was hard work. My heart had been shattered many times. But as the time goes by, I am gradually learning to not get affected and ignore whatever unpleasant words they might say. I must admit these days are one of the most toxic time of my life. I am so fed up of all the unsolicited comments from people about other people, but I gotta keep calm. No matter what one does, they will always have something to say.

And perhaps, it’s true, that the people who you thought are helping you could be the same people who would destroy you. Your friends could betray you. Even those people who you share the same bloodline with could actually pull you down. Those who know less, or nothing at all, could talk more. People are creative -- they could make up stories and exaggerate things. As horrible as these may sound, but these happen, and perhaps all that we can do is to open our minds and keep our hearts strong.

I had a lot of realizations for the past few days, but I don’t feel like writing anything about them. I. Just. Don’t. Feel. Like. Writing. Anything.

I was feeling so bad last week. Know why? Because I’m letting other people control my life. Yes, I know. It sucks big time and I am still on the process of learning to widen my circle of influence than letting myself get eaten up by my circle of concern.

And you know what? I just realized why I am feeling sad and miserable most of the days (particularly right after I took the boards). It’s because more often than not, I ain’t getting enough sleep, unlike before. I used to sleep early. My day wouldn’t be complete if I don’t get to have enough sleep. I couldn’t stay up later than 10pm, but everything turned the other way around when I was done with all the studying and stuff. I started staying up so late until my body clock got all screwed up. So yeah, perhaps that could give an answer to my own question, on why I have been feeling this way, though I was never like this before. I used to be on the brighter side. I used to control my emotions instead of my emotions controlling me, but look what’s happening now. It’s pretty much the opposite. And yeah, depressed people usually lack sleep and when one lacks sleep, hee is more prone to depression. You get the picture, yes? So we have to get enough sleep :)

I’m feeling so motivated to make myself better and I’m taking baby steps towards it. Right now, I’m trying to establish personal mission statements that would govern my decisions in life. And this time, I don’t want to pressure myself about doing this and that. I just want to start everything smoothly so I wouldn’t end up frustrated in case I fail something.

On the other note, I’ve got a long list of books to read and I am so excited to read them all. Yaay!

Anyway, I’m not sure if I am even making any sense. My words are so random, so guess that’s all for now.

I hope life’s treating you well. :)

I have so much sense of ownership inside of me, that whenever I consider something as my own, you must pay due respect to it. I mean, I don’t want you to touch any of my belongings without my permission. I don’t want you to waste things I consider my own without me knowing about it first.

Nope, I don’t mean to be selfish of these things that I cannot even bring anywhere but in this planet. No, I don’t intend not to share anything. I can be generous, even to a point of being “too” generous. Whatever I consider mine, I can share them with you. All I want is for you to properly ask for some consent. Is that too much?

This is one of the value that I have been living with. This is what my parents taught me since when I was a kid. If it’s not yours, don’t touch it. If you want to borrow something, ask from whoever the permission is due and return them wherever you got them from in the first place.

Don’t get it wrong though. I respect everyone who does not have a high opinion of this same thing. Yep, I certainly understand that we all don’t follow the same standards of behavior, but I hope, you too, could also perceive the significance of my side.

I just hope people understand and how I wish I could tell these things to them aloud, but with the fear of sounding rude and not wanting to hurt their feelings, I chose to keep quiet about it. I made a choice to just hold back the nuisance that I am feeling right now, and I feel like exploding, well… not really. But uughhh!