Still Feeling Like a Mess

Sunday, May 20, 2018

Twenty weeks had passed since this year started and I’m still a mess.

I haven’t been emotionally well lately. I wasn’t in the mood to clean up. I used to keep my phone clean with no unnecessary apps, empty gallery and inbox, but this time, I have kept everything in it. I was too impatient to transfer files in an online drive. I don’t know, but I haven’t been deleting messages lately which is just not so me.

My closet is a mess. My laundry is piled up. There’s too much clutter on top of my desk inside my room. My drawers contain the most random things. Receipts here and there. Clean clothes are just hanging in the open -- I am too lazy to fold them.

I decided to treat myself, but I went way too overboard. I. HAVE. SPENT. TOO. MUCH. I’ve bought things I don’t even need. I have shelled out cash way too much and I am so frustrated of myself. Big time. :( I haven’t been tracking my expenses too. My bank account is gradually dying, and I gotta start saving twice or thrice than I normally do now. I gotta make up with my savings. I SHOULD. I really have to.

Also, I have been having this love-hate relationship with the deactivate button of my social media accounts (well, of course, except Tumblr). Right now, I’m back with them, but I’m not sure how long I’m staying. I just can’t throw away all the memories kept in there, that’s why I keep on coming back, to keep my accounts from being permanently deleted. I still have the plans to delete them for good, though, I am just mustering some courage to do so. I hope, soon!

Right now, I guess, I’m fine. I am trying my best to get back on track. It requires hard work, I must admit, but I am doing it one step at a time.

Uhm, how are you doing? Hope you’re good! But if not, it’s fine. This, too, shall pass. :)



Another Night Life Experience

Friday, May 18, 2018

I don’t know, but eventually, I got tired of writing, of telling stories through this blog, but I’m still trying ‘cos at least, this keeps me sane. Y’know, when you have everything and anything inside your chest, all you just want to have is some way out, but nope, I am fine -- I am pretty fine.

Nothing great is actually happening in my life. Days are same old, same old, but last week, my cousin went home from abroad and she decided to treat us for a night out, so on a Friday afternoon, I went out from work earlier than I should, then got ready for a 2-3-hour drive to the neighboring city. We then headed in some place for dinner.

Then after that, we looked for a hotel to stay in just for a night. It was actually a bit crazy because the hotels were fully-booked and then pinagpasa-pasahan pa kami ng dalawang hotel. I mean, when we entered this Hotel 1, the front desk assistant told us that there’s no more available room for our number, so he referred us to another, and so we rode a taxi and headed to Hotel 2. When we arrived in there, there’s no more available room (again), but the front desk assistant made a phone call and told us to go to Hotel 1 because there’s an available room for us there. And we were like, “What???? We just came from there and the man told us that there’s no available room for us and referred us here. Pinaglalaruan niyo ba kami?” But of course, we didn’t blurt out the last sentence and we tried to be nice as much as we could, although we were all pissed and already tired then.

So the front desk assistant of Hotel 2 referred us back to Hotel 1, but we asked him to confirm it again, then we thanked him and left. But instead of going to Hotel 1, we opted to just look for some hotel nearby but to no avail. So okay, we rode back to Hotel 1, and we were trying our best to be nice kay Kuyang  nasa front desk, and when he was finally booking us a room, nagmakaawa siya na huwag kaming mag-ingay. So was he cautious about us making some noise inside the hotel that’s why he had to make some white lies in the first place? Wow, Kuya. Tingin niya siguro sa’min, mga estudyante pa lang eh.

So okay, we went up to our room, rest for a while then took a bath. It was already past 12am when we all decided to go down and roam around the place a little. Then we went inside a bar -- yep, your soft girl is nagpapapaka bad girl na. Hahaha just kiddin’. This is my second time around (the first was when I passed the boards, still with my cousins, kasi nga gusto daw nila akong binyagan haha).

Anyway, the guys had some entrance fee, while it was free for the girls, and I am never a fan of the lights inside, because ugh, sakit sa mata. Then they started to order some drinks and some food to munch. And while everybody was dancing their nerves away, andun ako, patingin-tingin lang sa paligid, steady lang sa kinatatayuan until we had the chance to grab some chairs para maupo naman. Lol. They made me try a beer, so I did, but my taste buds didn’t like it, but my cousins were still insisting. So para naman hindi ako KJ, I poured some in my cup and did the trick (kunwari iniinom ko, pero hnd talaga, hanggang bibig lang). Lol. I'm sorry, cousisns. Hahaha.

It has always been their goal to get me drunk, but for the second attempt, it turned out to be the other way around.

When it was almost 2am, nag countdown na yung DJ. I think there’s some new ordinance na hanggang 2am na lang yung mga inuman place. And when the clock finally struck 2am, the place became all well-lit, after a few minutes, we went down, bought some street food and chips then stayed for a while in a convenience store. They were all tipsy, except me. Inaasar pa ako na ever since, most well-behaved talaga ako. Haha

After that, we went back to the hotel, washed our faces, changed our clothes, and slept. We all agreed to wake up by 8am, but what could we expect??? They all slept until 11am while I was already up by 7:30am. I took a bath, got myself ready, naki-wifi and took some selfies while waiting for them to be up.



Still Fighting

Wednesday, May 16, 2018

i. I have been too busy, have been in a great mess. I rarely got a decent sleep for the past few days, but I may say everything is all worth it.

ii. For a short while, I have been exposed to things I am not used to. Too many things happened in a week. I became happy; my heart got broken, but I don’t have any energy left to write about them here. I cannot even find the words to narrate them. Or maybe, I am just not in the mood to tell stories for now.

iii. There were days that I am trying to take a few steps out of my comfort zone, but then after a little while, I would catch myself coming back. It’s almost 5 months since this year started, but I am not going anywhere.

iv. When I look at myself in the mirror, I couldn’t see anything but my flaws, but still I’m grateful for the very few people who see me past my imperfections. Thank you for appreciating me for me.

v. I am almost losing hope. Almost. But I am still fighting. This world is still wonderful!



Keep Your Heart Strong

Thursday, May 10, 2018

To tell you the truth, I have already lost my faith in people a long time ago, that the first time a person utters something convincing, I wouldn’t believe it, unless there’s anything that could justify it. I may appear like I am convinced, but deep down inside, most prolly I am not. And for the longest time, I have always kept myself away from people. I would rather lock myself inside my room than hear everyone talk, but then this time, I chose to go the other way. I opted to expose myself to whatever other people could say, whether that would be pleasant or awful.

The first few days was hard work. My heart had been shattered many times. But as the time goes by, I am gradually learning to not get affected and ignore whatever unpleasant words they might say. I must admit these days are one of the most toxic time of my life. I am so fed up of all the unsolicited comments from people about other people, but I gotta keep calm. No matter what one does, they will always have something to say.

And perhaps, it’s true, that the people who you thought are helping you could be the same people who would destroy you. Your friends could betray you. Even those people who you share the same bloodline with could actually pull you down. Those who know less, or nothing at all, could talk more. People are creative -- they could make up stories and exaggerate things. As horrible as these may sound, but these happen, and perhaps all that we can do is to open our minds and keep our hearts strong.



sincerely, riz