An Open Letter to Papa in Heaven

Sunday, June 16, 2019

One night, you slept, then you never woke up, and that was the most heart-breaking part, and after many years, I still could not look at your photo this long without crying.

Everything was never the same since the very day that you left. No more daddy jokes, no more pats on my back every time I accomplish something, no more letters from Santa Claus, no more Karaoke nights with you, no more mom & dad cuddling in front of the TV, no more you on that one seat in the dining table, no more smiles from you, no more hugs.

And Father’s Day was never the same.

But okay, enough. I don’t wanna be sad ‘cos I know you never wanted us to be said either. You’ve always wanted things to be just happy and light. Thus, all those daddy jokes, and guess what, my brother has gotten your wit! You must have been so proud!

Although you were gone too soon, I hope you know that for your seventeen years of being a father here on earth, surely, you never failed. There is a lot that I’ve learned from you (including how to tickle mom’s fancy when her mood is off but of course, you do it best, no one can beat you on that) but most of all, the greatest that I’ve learned from you is to never complain if it rains, ‘cos I might find it inconvenient on my part on some days, but others have prayed for it, so I might as well just be grateful. And every time that it rains, I remember you, and every time that I remember you, I am reminded that no matter what situation I am in, the rain is a blessing to be enjoyed, not a curse to complain about.

For more than six years since the day that you left, I’ve already reached some milestones in life – my high school and college graduation, my first day at work, and many more to come -- and I always could not help but wish that you’re here. Nevertheless, I know you’re happy and proud up there. You’ve always been so proud even in my failing moments, because for you, trying is already enough.

I might have never told you how much I love you, but I swear, I always do more than words can ever tell. The days we’ve spent together was short, but I can never thank you enough for being the best father that we could ever have! For sure, you were never perfect, yet we never needed a perfect father anyway. What we needed was certainly just a father like you!

Happy father’s day in heaven, papa! I love you beyond words! Always missing you down here 💖



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It's A Wrap: May 2019

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

"Uneventful" could be the word that would best describe this month for me. Nothing much really happened. It was a month of feeling lost once again. Life seemed to have come in waves and I was overwhelmed. My insecurities became too evident for me that I can see them at any angle. I doubted myself too many times. The realization of keeping still in my comfort zone hit me. When will I get out of this comfort? Or will I ever have the courage to do so? It seems like everyone else is growing and going to places (literally and figuratively), while I'm still here, getting nowhere. I fell into such a huge comparison trap. After the many months of trying to redeem myself and of making an effort to get better, it suddenly felt like I was back into square one once again.

Okay, that was awful, and getting rid of social media might be the least thing I can do, but that's what I did. So pretty much half of May, I didn't have social media, and that was the best feeling, I swear. I have actually talked more about it here.

Also, May made me realize how much I still am not ready to welcome any guy in my life just yet. I admit, there are days that I yearn for love, comfort, attention, and affection from another person, but when one offers to give me some, I tend to push them away, more so, try my best to escape and not talk to them. Sounds rude, or might be immature, but I honestly don't know how to act towards another person just yet. I don't know how to handle it. I really don't know. Can someone please help me out? Haha. Kiddin'. But anyway, I am still in the journey of knowing myself better. There's a lot that I need to learn first before I finally dive into another chapter of my life. I need to make sure that I am a whole. I can't keep walking around with a missing piece, and then let the other person fill that space, because my dude, that would be a little too dangerous. I just need more time for myself. I don't want to bring another person into my mess. I need to fix this myself first so I can welcome someone wholly into my life, with confidence and security. I know I will never be fully ready for this, but let me muster the courage to go for it first despite not being ready, because as far as I know, for now, I am not that brave enough yet.

On another note, visiting Alaine's place with my mom and Marilyn is the highlight of my month.

And this is a pretty late post, but I am trying to get better at this. =)

Here's to leaving some more room for improvement.



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Another Dining Experience at Cafe Terraza

Sunday, June 09, 2019

I asked my mom to dine out on Friday after work, but she had something to attend to (as always), so she promised we'll have it the next day. It got me a little frustrated, but well... that's my mom. What shall I expect? Perhaps I just needed to understand, so okay.

Then there comes Saturday. I stayed at home pretty much the whole day. I did nothing, to be honest. I wasn't just in my best self. I slept a lot! It was such a legit lazy day, then around 4PM, my mom messaged me asking if we're still gonna go. I kinda wanted to say no, 'cos I was lazy, but I can't just say no to my mom like that, so I said yes and started getting ready. I just woke up from a long afternoon nap by that time, by the way.

We agreed to meet in Gaisano Blvd, and I withdrew some cash before that because I don't have anything left to spend anymore, and I assume it was my treat so it was pretty much needed.

I window-shopped as I was waiting for my mom. I didn't plan to buy anything because everything from that day was not in my budget, even the dinner... (ops now I have to tweak it lol) but I was already so close to buying a pair of leggings because I thought I needed it since I started working out (or not really working out, just jogging) 'cos I lost my old pair, sadly. Good thing, nobody was there to assist and I didn't feel like approaching any salesperson, although there's many of them nearby, so I think I'm saving that the next time around. Hooray for not spending!

And I received a call from my mom that she's already there, and I thought it was only her, but she was with Ate Alma, their supervisor from Manila. Although I was kinda expecting that she was just by herself, I was also open to the fact that she might be bringing someone with her because, well, I know my mom and I pretty much don't mind if she brings anyone with her. Haha.

We agreed to dine in Cafe Terraza and I'm glad that we have chosen such a great spot. We had a good view, there was a live band (though it didn't stay long), and it was a little windy! I love the fresh air. Also, if you don't know yet, Cafe Terraza is on top of a hill, that's why I love it there.

We had some chitchats about life and being single (lol) while waiting for our food. Ate Alma is still single, but she has a boyfriend and she told us stories about the difficulties she had gone through on the early days of her adulthood, also how she enjoyed being single 'cos she pretty much was able to go from places to places. The conversation actually started with her saying, "Mariz, ang sarap maging single nu?" Of course, I agreed. I couldn't agree more. At some days, I've got sentiments about it, which I guess is a story for another time, but I am wholly enjoying it as of now.

And here comes our food! We ordered the following (okay, please congratulate me 'cos I pretty much remembered everything that we had that night, I'm writing this down the next day, by the way haha):
  • Sinigang na Tanigue
  • Baked Scallops
  • Prawns with Aligue Sauce
  • A platter of garlic rice
  • An avocado shake (Ate Alma's)
  • A mango shake (mom's)
  • Caramel frost frappe (mine)

If I had to rate everything that we had that night, here it goes:
  • Sinigang na Tanigue - ★★★★☆ or I might just be biased 'cos I love Sinigang! =)
  • Baked Scallops - ★★★★★ This is my favorite of all and is something that I'd always go back for.
  • Prawns with Aligue Sauce - ★★★☆☆ I love prawns, but maybe I just don't like it with an aligue sauce, so perhaps I won't have this the next time around.
  • A platter of garlic rice - ★★★☆☆ I'd rate it better if the rice was cooked a little more dry and I guess, I just prefer plain than the garlic one.
  • Caramel frost frappe - ★★★☆☆ I tried and it wasn't that bad, but the next time, I guess, I'll try some other ones, those I haven't tried at all yet.
After we ate, we stayed for a little while then stood up and took a few photos around the place. It would have been better if there was daylight but anyway, it was still pretty great although, it just wasn't a time for me for good photos. Albeit that fact, here are the two photos from that night that I love despite the bad lighting.

Btw, I find it a whole lot better if you have your own vehicle once you decide to dine in here. Otherwise, you'll need spare time, some patience in your pocket, and the willingness to walk a little distance, if ever. But I guess, there's a shuttle to pick you up from there if you're willing to wait yet if there's none, I think you have to inform the guard on duty so they can call one for you. However, I don't think this service is available at night. I haven't tried yet.

To wrap it up, I had a pretty great night! It was something I didn't think I needed, but I felt a whole lot better that night after dining out. Also, I will never mind going back to this place for the nth time already! =)



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Ditching Social Media

Saturday, June 08, 2019

Wow, I overslept today, like really oversleep. It’s been a while since the last time I did. I woke up when it was already past 10AM. For some reason, I slept late last night, which I don’t often do anymore ‘cos I’ve been trying to drop some bad habits as much as I can, but last night was one of those nights where I am not feeling emotionally well. Hmm, let’s just say I was longing for something but I didn’t exactly know what it was so I tried my best to distract myself from it. I watched lotsa Youtube videos until my eyes were already too exhausted to stay open. So yep, I slept again with my phone beside me. Ops.

For the past days or weeks I guess, I've been trying to observe myself, my emotions in particular, as to where the unwanted ones are stemming from. I've been trying to be mindful about the stuff that I do yet I admit, it was never easy cos it was so effortless to slip back into my old ways, which I did, quite a lot of times, tbh, so I thought, if that means the need to let go of some distractions, then I had to. Thus, I deactivated my social media accounts, particularly Facebook (including Messenger), Twitter and Instagram 'cos I just felt like those were the origin of my unproductivity and unwanted sentiments in life.

During the first few days or weeks, I may say, I was completely doing fine. I was feeling pretty great even. I was so in line with making myself better. I was able to take action on those things I used to procrastinate on. I started to develop a life admin system for myself. I was bossing my own life like I'm really owning it. I didn't feel like I needed anything more than those I already have. I stopped caring about what my friends are currently up to. I was just minding my own business, no one else's.  I was waking up not having the feeling of being dragged off for work. I was getting up from bed every morning, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. It really made a difference. I was able to get enough sleep at night, and I was more productive at work. I didn't feel the need to check my phone often while working. I only had it to play some music. I had more quality time with my family. I was able to catch up with them without getting distracted.

I swear that felt extraordinary.


There were also those days where it felt so easy to slip back into my old ways. I was so tempted to reactivate my Facebook account quite a lot of times because I felt like I needed to superficially talk to some people. I was longing for some validation, and when I was already almost 75% on my goal number of days of not having social media, I failed. I reactivated my Facebook account. I posted some quotes as "my day" with some little hope that my friends will notice and hit me up. Well sure, there were a few who did, but guess what, it didn't make any difference. I mean, those who did are still those who were talking to me even when I was away. Now, we know who really matter.

As of right now, my IG and Twitter are still deactivated and I only have a few days left before I can redeem them or they'll be completely gone. Honestly, I am still having some internal debate whether to save them still or just let them be gone forever. Being as introverted as I am, I already grew some attachment with my social media accounts because at some point, at least, it makes me say I have some social life. Also, I have made some memories there. Although it seems ostensible, it makes me feel connected. Maybe that's why no matter how much I go away, I always still find myself going back.

And because I reactivated my Facebook account earlier than I am supposed to, I don't feel satisfied. I don't feel that I have fulfilled its purpose, but on the brighter side, at least I have gained some peace, even just for a little while.

I've done this challenge before and I'm certain, I'm still doing it again soon. I will always do until I am able to make up my mind whether I still need it or not because right now, I am still listening to excuses.

The next time I'm doing this, I need to be clear as to its purpose, and I have to track my progress, so I can really see if it's making any difference. I gotta be better at it the next time around.

Here's to knowing ourselves more, and making ourselves better!



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sincerely, riz