i ditched social media

Saturday, June 08, 2019


wow, i overslept today, like really oversleep. it’s been a while since the last time i did. i woke up when it was already past 10am. for some reason, i slept late last night, which i don’t often do anymore ‘cos i’ve been trying to drop some bad habits as much as i can, but last night was one of those nights where i am not feeling emotionally well. hmm, let’s just say i was longing for something but i didn’t exactly know what it was so i tried my best to distract myself from it. i watched lotsa youtube videos until my eyes were already too exhausted to stay open. so yep, i slept again with my phone beside me. ops.

for the past days or weeks i guess, i've been trying to observe myself, my emotions in particular, as to where the unwanted ones are stemming from. i've been trying to be mindful about the stuff that i do yet i admit, it was never easy cos it was so effortless to slip back into my old ways, which i did, quite a lot of times, tbh, so i thought, if that means the need to let go of some distractions, then i had to. thus, i deactivated my social media accounts, particularly facebook (including messenger), twitter and instagram 'cos i just felt like those were the origin of my unproductivity and unwanted sentiments in life.

during the first few days or weeks, i may say, i was completely doing fine. i was feeling pretty great even. i was so in line with making myself better. i was able to take action on those things i used to procrastinate on. i started to develop a life admin system for myself. i was bossing my own life like i'm really owning it. i didn't feel like i needed anything more than those i already have. i stopped caring about what my friends are currently up to. i was just minding my own business, no one else's.  i was waking up not having the feeling of being dragged off for work. i was getting up from bed every morning, not because i had to, but because i wanted to. it really made a difference. i was able to get enough sleep at night, and i was more productive at work. i didn't feel the need to check my phone often while working. i only had it to play some music. i had more quality time with my family. i was able to catch up with them without getting distracted.

i swear that felt extraordinary.

but...

there were also those days where it felt so easy to slip back into my old ways. i was so tempted to reactivate my facebook account quite a lot of times because i felt like i needed to superficially talk to some people. i was longing for some validation, and when i was already almost 75% on my goal number of days of not having social media, i failed. i reactivated my facebook account. i posted some quotes as "my day" with some little hope that my friends will notice and hit me up. well sure, there were a few who did, but guess what, it didn't make any difference. i mean, those who did are still those who were talking to me even when i was away. now, we know who really matter.

as of right now, my ig and twitter are still deactivated and i only have a few days left before i can redeem them or they'll be completely gone. honestly, i am still having some internal debate whether to save them still or just let them be gone forever. being as introverted as i am, i already grew some attachment with my social media accounts because at some point, at least, it makes me say i have some social life. also, i have made some memories there. although it seems ostensible, it makes me feel connected. maybe that's why no matter how much i go away, i always still find myself going back.

and because i reactivated my facebook account earlier than i am supposed to, i don't feel satisfied. i don't feel that i have fulfilled its purpose, but on the brighter side, at least i have gained some peace, even just for a little while.

i've done this challenge before and i'm certain, i'm still doing it again soon. i will always do until i am able to make up my mind whether i still need it or not because right now, i am still listening to excuses.

the next time i'm doing this, i need to be clear as to its purpose, and i have to track my progress, so i can really see if it's making any difference. i gotta be better at it the next time around.

here's to knowing ourselves more, and making ourselves better!

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sincerely,
riz

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