uneventful may

Wednesday, June 12, 2019


"uneventful" could be the word that would best describe this month for me. nothing much really happened. it was a month of feeling lost once again. life seemed to have come in waves and i was overwhelmed. my insecurities became too evident for me that i can see them at any angle. i doubted myself too many times. the realization of keeping still in my comfort zone hit me. when will i get out of this comfort? or will i ever have the courage to do so? it seems like everyone else is growing and going to places (literally and figuratively), while i'm still here, getting nowhere. i fell into such a huge comparison trap. after the many months of trying to redeem myself and of making an effort to get better, it suddenly felt like i was back into square one once again.

okay, that was awful, and getting rid of social media might be the least thing i can do, but that's what i did. so pretty much half of may, i didn't have social media, and that was the best feeling, i swear. i have actually talked more about it here.

also, may made me realize how much i still am not ready to welcome any guy in my life just yet. i admit, there are days that i yearn for love, comfort, attention, and affection from another person, but when one offers to give me some, i tend to push them away, more so, try my best to escape and not talk to them. sounds rude, or might be immature, but i honestly don't know how to act towards another person just yet. i don't know how to handle it. i really don't know. can someone please help me out? haha. kiddin'. but anyway, i am still in the journey of knowing myself better. there's a lot that i need to learn first before i finally dive into another chapter of my life. i need to make sure that i am a whole. i can't keep walking around with a missing piece, and then let the other person fill that space, because my dude, that would be a little too dangerous. i just need more time for myself. i don't want to bring another person into my mess. i need to fix this myself first so i can welcome someone wholly into my life, with confidence and security. i know i will never be fully ready for this, but let me muster the courage to go for it first despite not being ready, because as far as i know, for now, i am not that brave enough yet.


on another note, visiting alaine's place with my mom and marilyn is the highlight of my month. and this is a pretty late post, but i am trying to get better at this. =) here's to leaving some more room for improvement.

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sincerely,
riz

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