It's A Wrap: May 2019

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

"Uneventful" could be the word that would best describe this month for me. Nothing much really happened. It was a month of feeling lost once again. Life seemed to have come in waves and I was overwhelmed. My insecurities became too evident for me that I can see them at any angle. I doubted myself too many times. The realization of keeping still in my comfort zone hit me. When will I get out of this comfort? Or will I ever have the courage to do so? It seems like everyone else is growing and going to places (literally and figuratively), while I'm still here, getting nowhere. I fell into such a huge comparison trap. After the many months of trying to redeem myself and of making an effort to get better, it suddenly felt like I was back into square one once again.

Okay, that was awful, and getting rid of social media might be the least thing I can do, but that's what I did. So pretty much half of May, I didn't have social media, and that was the best feeling, I swear. I have actually talked more about it here.

Also, May made me realize how much I still am not ready to welcome any guy in my life just yet. I admit, there are days that I yearn for love, comfort, attention, and affection from another person, but when one offers to give me some, I tend to push them away, more so, try my best to escape and not talk to them. Sounds rude, or might be immature, but I honestly don't know how to act towards another person just yet. I don't know how to handle it. I really don't know. Can someone please help me out? Haha. Kiddin'. But anyway, I am still in the journey of knowing myself better. There's a lot that I need to learn first before I finally dive into another chapter of my life. I need to make sure that I am a whole. I can't keep walking around with a missing piece, and then let the other person fill that space, because my dude, that would be a little too dangerous. I just need more time for myself. I don't want to bring another person into my mess. I need to fix this myself first so I can welcome someone wholly into my life, with confidence and security. I know I will never be fully ready for this, but let me muster the courage to go for it first despite not being ready, because as far as I know, for now, I am not that brave enough yet.

On another note, visiting Alaine's place with my mom and Marilyn is the highlight of my month.

And this is a pretty late post, but I am trying to get better at this. =)

Here's to leaving some more room for improvement.



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sincerely, riz